It had something to do with the cyclical nature of my ruminations when it comes to academics. I reach a complacent plateau, for a time.
It had something to do with knowing that the hormone therapy I've been subjected to not completely against my will shall shortly end and I will fail to renew it. It changes my stature and my voice and insidiously fucks with my emotions and most desperately clouds my mind. Every time I miss a dose I enter a better world. It is a shroud I will shed most amenably.
It had something to do with the finality that could only be reached just recently. I have been assured that I wont be in this position next year, a state which I had most hoped for and been practically assured given the ministry and for which I am silently grateful. Thus the foremost bane (that has not been the job itself, which I enjoy and suit well but surprisingly all of the bureaucratic bullshit leading up to it - a spotless academic record sabotaged for sake of an ego trip and awkwardly upheld by Student Life by self-same, among other things) has been relieved; I am no longer constrained in what I say or seem.
Additionally my compatriots, whom I don't count a friend among, are no longer a source of continuous back-handed deception and pain. While the politicians here believe they have crippled my ability to challenge their rule they have in fact merely freed me of it. I am no longer bound by ephemeral or non-existent relational bonds that dictate my conduct. The community's atavistic tendencies are more likely to be addressed, now that I am unfettered and given that I am in a unique position to see the truly precarious nature of our current position.
The strange filament to all of this lies in the fact that I am better. So little has occurred that seems of any significance and yet of all the ailments that wracked my form simultaneously not one remains. I found myself, last week, in a place where I felt I might have to soon fly back to Illinois to the hospital again and now I find myself strangely quiet and untouchably calm. These impurities vanish one by one as my encumbersome accountabilities are lifted. I know I count among the most stubborn of animals and that next time this occurs I will not correlate my ailments to the stressors in my life, yet again. It is a runaway defensive mechanism of massive proportions. But that is something to be dealt with this summer.
Now, enough of the boring asinine narrative that amounts to my only way of addressing ten months worth of "feelings". Instead let's rant gregariously for a few minutes and then tail off with no recognizable conclusion.
Next week begins break, which I endeavor to spend in a hotel room in Las Vegas, sleeping, watching cable and playing on my laptop. Pip has some kind of silly job training thing there and he wants me to come along so he doesn't get lonely and spend all of his perdiem drinking and playing arcade games. Although, they hired him early and he didn't have anything to do except creep around and listen to others' conversations so they trained him in all of his duties already, so I imagine he's going to spend the time zoning and drawing comics like he did in his FEMA course at San Manuel. I might, however, end up at home a lot if we can't find anyone to watch the cats (although D.Knox loves them so much he wont even let me pay him to take care of them) and if my crazy Invertebrate Zoology professor is serious about doing some trips to tide-pools during the break. We both fucking hate Sin City.
We've decided that it's too expensive to get another car but we need another vehicle. One with a motor. Thus soon Pip and I will be taking motorcycle lessons and getting our learners permits. I've always wanted a Kawasaki Ninja. Sweet. Daniel's helping me compare them. I am so glad I never gave my parents this link. They can never know.
This also means Pip needs to finally get his vision prescription updated and get contacts. His new super-sweet health insurance even covers Lasik, which he is finally considering. This is a step in the right direction as I recently realized that the reason I always drive at night is that he literally can't. It's pretty shaking to discover how much he can't see, at any given time. He claims he's waiting for the cyborg eyes to come out, or at least for a new and better eye surgery such that he is content that the other is safe. I'm not sure how that logic functions when applied to the world we live in. Living with this man is kind of one continuity error after another. It's frustrating because I know he does it on purpose.
I'm on duty tonight. We've had two emergency community meetings in two weeks but that's another rant entirely. My floor is finally blooming, everyone is opening their doors, talking to eachother, trusting me and having fun. The rest of the year is going to be a blast, as far as this is concerned. Our Friday night activities are ridic.
Phil is working at Phoenicia way too much. Poor boy doesn't have a weekend, because he literally spends every day off working at Phoe. I go in and sit in the back and do homework and get free soup. The owner has taken to giving me free meals since I bring him so much new business.
I went to visit Gabe and his friends in San Diego last weekend. It was the one day I really, really needed off. I had a harder time getting out of bed then I did through most of High School. But in spite of that we had a really good time. Hopefully they'll come and visit before they head off on the rest of their trip.
And now, a picture of a very sweet dog that passed away last week. He put up a helluva fight for what it's worth. This is the biggest hunting cocker you'll ever see. Goodnight, Jazz. You'll be missed.
