Catch Up

The last year has been hellishly busy. I have had to construct a secondary blog for daily thoughts while in transit as is only limited to a very select number. I shall post excerpts from the last year here as a means of an official update. Try to ignore the [...], as they have been edited down quite a bit.

2007.11.19 16.06 brr
[...]Life is getting better though I need to focus more on grad schools soon. I've been frustrated about the food thing anew. Unsure why[...]These posts will most always be a collection of thoughts while on the way to or from the metro[...]At lunch I sat with some moth guys. No one seems to know much about phenology' even in their own field[...]Geez but it's cold.

2007.11.21 10.19 Inertia
My life is moving at a jaunty pace[...]I wish I could savor my time at the Smith, instead of pushing forward to grad school. Still I am constantly in positive motion and ever the happier for it[...]There really is a timer on this thing.

2007.11.29 10.33 6th Floor
The day before Thanksgiving I got lost in the Aves dept. It was actually more disturbing than its counterpart in the connector - physical anthro. For whatever reason turning corners to find human remains all over the place isn't as disruptive to my mental state as being lost in the byzantine halls of the bird dept. It isn't the fact that, for whatever reason, people have tried to curate birds with every potentially toxic, carcinogenic or endocrine upsetting solution known to man and that it's an open air archive. It wasn't that no one was there, seemingly, or the increasingly familiar horror movie set decor. It had more to do, I think, with this gnawing House of Leaves -esque feeling that the measurements of the hall itself did not make sense. And the fact that places where I swear I saw voids from the other aisle showed no such passage leaving me lost, in the dark, and unwilling to back track in an unconvincingly small space. It isn't a belief in anything supernatural or being surrounded by the dead. It's more the concern that someone is there. You wouldn't believe that people could sneak up on you in the silence with the reflective flooring but they do[...]Off the metro now time to go.

2007.12.02 22.54 The Pain
[...]I didn't believe them, not any of them, when they said it could happen. I am growing.

2007.12.07 09.57 I am Science?
My boss has been referring to the desire to take my picture, rather cryptically. I agreed on Wednesday. Yesterday he told me how to dress and when to be there. I finally figured out what's going on. The fossil lab (large clear diorama of real scientists doing real work, supposedly) is represented by an old photo from the 70s of an older female paleontologist picking over a bone carefully while perfectly framed children watch in wonder. Apparently the new committee doesn't like this depiction of fossil lab, enduring as it has been. They want a cleaner workspace, a bigger dino bone and a young female scientist. So today I'm going to spend a lot of time cleaning large dino bones for the public apparently. I wonder how long the new picture will be in circulation?

2007.12.18 22.34 Nothing more exciting than ordovician sponges.
So today I rode on a dumbwaiter. That is the entire purpose of this post in a nutshell. It has been a lifelong dream of mine to ride on a dumbwaiter. I don't know why. All of my other dreams (in so much as I can pin them down) are much more lofty, but this one has merit in its permanence. I hope to live a life full of dumbwaiters. Also I toured one of the exhibit shops (and the electron microscopy lab when I got locked in the storage area of said shop accidentally). I got my picture taken incidentally behind the giant shark jaws they're installing in the new Hall of Oceans(?) Also the tiiiiny padded elevator back there has a rotary phone in it that still works! You can dial into the VOIP system. Also while we were poking around they found a bunch of equipment and stored stuff that had "vanished" a long time ago, as things tend to do. That building is truly an organism, and like all true, tremendous and slow moving golgothas, I have the utmost respect for it. There is no doubt in my mind that there are many places that my body could be most conveniently tucked away in that vault and that I am just the type to wander in to that trouble on my own. Everyone else left for the holidays today. It seems I'll be alone for the most part this week, in the lab.

2008.01.07 11.42 Approaching Hell
So this nutritionist saw me last week probono. She told me what I knew anyone would tell me - that I needed to go on another exclusion diet. But she also actually expected me to, y'know, do it. So now not only am I off gluten, I'm also liberated from nightshade vegetables, corn, eggs, dairy and legumes like soy. This doesn't mean much to anyone who hasn't been on a restricted diet before because it takes a while for it to truly sink in that soy, corn and wheat are in everything. In the absence of these things what I'm left with us essentially rice, fresh fruit and veg I prepare myself and a couple of grains I can't do much with. I'm also off of refined sugars.

Right now I'm down to one meal a day since I can't afford all that much fruit. I am also constantly tired, dizzy, nauseated, and in general pain from muscle fatigue and severe headaches. The really fun part is the anticipation of what I won't be able to bring back in the end.

The one advantage, if there is one I suppose, is that I've realized that I am still sick. I am better than I was by a factor of ten or more. But I am still sick from something. Aside from the headaches and tiredness and all the rest, there are still things that don't fit. At least now I'm reminded why I'm doing this.

2008.01.24 15.45 Were you looking for a job? Here, take two.
Yes[...]Then he introduces me to the gang and I'm told to memorize a map. Deuces. I'll be starting by FebRuary. Drug test tomorrow.

Also, in an attempt to put the last nail in the coffin of my physical anthro forensics career I finally met[...]the Walt Disney of phys anthro. Entire universes of inquiry are born and die by his word. I was surprised that he met with me at all[...] So I've been told. I listened to a couple of phone conversations while sitting at his desk and staring at skulls. I actually ended up answering more questions than he did and he offered me some rather interesting and ground breaking work with him, tentatively.

I've begun to see the technology I use as antiquated and slow, though it is the best available in this time. I have the sense that the world will soon be moving perilously fast.

2008.01.29 10.05 Trance
So a couple of nights ago Pip took Rusk for a walk, went around the normal corner into the darkness and before his eyes could adjust a huge black dog lunged at him and cowered between his legs. Her name is Trance. We know this because as of today we've found the owners, thanks to some detective skill (not really). But for a time we had another dog. She was black with strange white highlights, full of attitude and incredibly well trained. She put Rusk to shame and embarrassed him where he lives. Her owners apparently taught her to open doors. I guess we now know that's a bad idea. She is home now, and preg(as we found her), but I was glad to share some of my life with her.

My favorite cat of all time died yesterday.

I'm driving to Chicago on Wednesday for interviews at UC.

2008.02.01 04.53 Damnit
I've been feeling too paranoid of late. I've been chiding myself for being so mustrusting. Today I spent the daylight hours in one long interview. I had to negotiate for a bathroom break they had me so booked. Tomorrow (well today I guess) I'm supposed to go back to meet more people. I'm not sure that's going to happen. When they insisted I do meals I explained why that might not be a good idea and they insisted that it wasn't a problem. They told me what to eat and though I felt uncomfortable, in the spirit of not making things difficult, since all eyes were on me, I just trusted them that they checked as they said they had. I also got to wake up in the middle of the night with the most excruciating pain and logistical problems that I hope none of you ever have to deal with. It was like old times, except the worst ones, with the hot and cold flashes and the shock among other more unsavory things. I'm typing this laying on the bathroom floor. I would give anything for a decent distraction.

2008.02.06 10.13 Hyeh?
[...]I need to figure out whether I should go into the field this summer. At current I'm back in grant money so that's good. I haven't heard from over half of the schools that I applied to. I'm not sure what to think of that.

2008.02.18 17.55 Butterflies
[...]They just set up a new pollinators exhibit in the museum with live butterflies. It's like one of those massive outdoor habitats they put in zoos or gardens, except inside. I plan to sneak in to it at some point after hours. The point is that it just opened and people seem to be excited about it. I had a dream that the butterflies escaped through some broken plaster and found their way into my office. So I unlocked my office one morning and it was brimming with butterflies. This might sound pleasant but in fact it was quite irritating, owing to the fact that they were (of course) all endangered butterflies and I had to attempt to maneuver around them to call security, etc.

Life is moving quite quickly these days. My first week as a 911 operator is complete, and I've put in my weekend hours so that I can be in New Haven for the end of this week. I have another ride along tomorrow. This time:[...]

It's hard to be tired, even with the 10-12 hour days and no weekends, when it's this beautiful outside. We found a stray cat last night and took it to be chip-read this morning and when I stepped outside I could barely believe it being 69 degrees[...]We had high vaulted blue skies, a blinding warm sun, light showers and gentle winds. Everything today came in ardent blues and greens with deep reds and oranges to complement the purple skyline. There was a strange calm today, as probably comes with working on a national holiday in DC.

You'd have to be blind from all sides not to see trouble stirring on this horizon, and I know that this place doesn't like me yet, but on days like this I remember when all of my smiles were involuntary[...]

2008.02.27 09.53 So Very Many Bodies
I've seen more dead and dessicated bodies in the last week than ever before in any single period of my life. Between police ride alongs (they've somewhat jokingly banned me - they seem to think that certain people attract DOAs and I'm one of 'em[...]I got to see all of them and help process the scenes but that's a whole set of stories unto itself)my foray into phys-anthro and my recent tour of the[...]I'm pretty much set on the dead for now. It might interest some to know[...]and an assortment of other disturbing stuff is all in the triple buffered climate controlled tomb[...]but now I'm just ranting[...]

Also I visited Yale for their open house this past weekend. I was there for the better of four days and immediately returned for a double shift at APD. I have another shift tonight. I didn't think that I'd like Yale but now it's my top choice. The facilities and minds at work are top notch. This has nothing to do with the tremendous monetary incentive, free gear, or clean-rooms that look like cathedrals. It's more about what feels like home. They narrowed the pool to 28 and invited all of us out for an all expenses paid jaunt around New Haven. They'll choose 8 of us to return, tops. It will be interesting to see who makes the cut. Frankly I was surprised to be a finalist at all. Too much talk. Trains here.

2008.03.03 10.19 Clinton vs Obama (is short sighted)
Seriously.
How the Democratic Party manages to be so indefatiguably frustrating is beyond me. It's like PETA. They're in the right, it shouldn't be possible to muck things up this badly.

But so here we are again, after failing to act for 8 years, and what are we doing? We're focusing on the Obama and Clinton race. We have finally reached an apex where there is an almost universal dislike of the current administration, where it seemed a Dem was sure to win, so we put forth two highly polarizing candidates. The Cons counter with McCain, the Santa Claus of our time and their only shot. Even I feel as though I know McCain better than these other two. Faced with drowning odds again (a seemingly impossible scenario) we turn to focus on who we like better.

It doesn't matter! You fools. Everyone is better. We've established this. But if we don't want to continue with the puppetry and we don't want to go into Iran we ought to maybe focus on who might win, as opposed to who we like minusculy better. It's not important who you like better. You voted for the last guy too. It matters who they like better. I don't care how nice and upright and not-linked-to-Monsanto Obama is. If he's going to lose us everything South of the Mason-Dix then he's not worth anything, and that's all that you should care about.

2008.03.14 18.44 Tired Time
Working two full time jobs is getting to me. That makes sense.

I'm on a train to NYC to see an old friend for the weekend. Major delays. At least I got a little sleep first. This seat reeks of beer and came with a complimentary DVD - Clerks 2?

I received the official Yale admittance letter today. It feels nice to have some general direction. I am going to grad school next year. I am accepted somewhere. That is both reassuring and somehow haunting. UCSB is still leaning on me to come out. Things are in motion. It looks like I'll be in Italy for part of the summer. Maybe Peru also. I need to hire a chemistry tutor. I need to read the primary works of all of my advisors. I need to finish Scott's maps by June. I need to sleep.

I think that's why I made time for this. Stephen has always been a refuge. I'm beginning to give myself jaw pain again. I'm beginning to run again. I can't focus anymore. So I'm on a train, going to the center of the world, to the city that never sleeps, so that with luck I finally can.

2008.03.26 10.47 Boring Rambling
[...]I have two months to finish the mapping project and I'm getting concerned. I need to find a way to leave the 911 job amicably for the summer. I think that's underway already. I spoke to the Lieutenant. I actually truly like a number of the people there but what can be done? I can try to come back and pick up shifts later. I'm nearly certified on the phones.

Tourists are horrible. I knew this even as a young child when I was one. But here they clog the infrastructure. Don't get me wrong, its built around them, but during spring break it gets out of control. Some of them are so entitled. They run in front of traffic to take pictures and block me from entry to the museum because they've been waiting. I work there, mind you. Anyone else would be rebuked at trying to enter an exit. Also there was the woman pushing a wheelchair who refused to slow down when I crossed in front of her, actually speeding up to ram the old woman into me. Mass psychosis. It's an excellent setting for the current administration. At least the weather is gorgeous.

I'm stressing out about securing housing in New Haven, finding a way to pay for Italy (which is turning into a family vacation somehow) and finishing all of the projects that need to get done. I'm not sleeping more than 6 hours a night between my two jobs and that's wearing me down[...]

2008.04.23 22.06 Honors
I just got in to Phi Beta Kappa. Retroactively. Having graduated last year and already gotten in to grad school. What am I supposed to do with it?

2008.05.01 10.02 Waiting
[...]After this I have to reroute all of todays panel interview candidates to another building and run criminal backround checks after they sign the release and before they manage to walk two blocks. They didn't give me a criteria for dismissal. They just said to call about anything that seems suspicious before they get there. They'll just get upset if I don't intuit what matters and what doesn't. I love this job. Really. It's fascinating. Someone in my group went to the Lieutenant and pleaded to keep me in the Center so now I'm working afternoon CSI half the time and midnight communications the other half (and did I mention I work days for the Smithsonian?). It's touching but exhausting. I will miss them all when I'm gone though. I hope I get pulled over before I leave, just to give the officers a hard time. When else am I going to get the opportunity? I'm fretting about moving on. I have no time to look at housing and no real idea as to how other variables will factor in my budget. I am looking forward to spending July in bucolic Rennaissance Italy. I think that's what I need and in some ways I hope the course isn't too taxing[...]

2008.05.15 17.09 The things that bring me stress
[...]What a mess[...]

2008.05.27 01.35 A Very Dangerous Man
[...]Or should I play the game I usually do and take no risks where any harm may be concerned? I turn to you because I am, myself, lost.

2008.06.06 18.25 Trying to Breathe
[...]Leaving the police job will be difficult. First because they laughed at me when I tried to give them notice (and still haven't really accepted it) and second because one can really get used to being plugged in. On my off-time I itch at not knowing what's going on in the city, where people are going code and why. I want a radio and a mobile comp just to keep up to date. It's like being pulled out of VR and realizing that your real life isn't very fun. I'm not sure that's an apt analogy, but its what I have for right now.

Of course working as an ECT has its disadvantages. Like how in a fire you are not allowed to evacuate until certain conditions are met[...]The confounding thing was that we couldn't source it. Something in the ceiling was smoldering through wires and other, filling Property, Records and the halls and offices of the second floor with a dense chemical smoke. It started to get into our Dispatch section. The Fire Dept came out a few times. People started to get sick. All kinds of measures were taken and in the end its hard to tell whether it went out or whether the area was merely better ventilated but we were left to filter it with our lungs for the remaining 8 hours after Fire took off. We weren't cleared for evac even though alarms went off all over the building[...]I take some solace in the fact that the new building will have a self contained ventilation system as a safeguard against biological attacks[...]With luck I'll find rest there waiting for me when I need it.

2008.06.16 17.16 The Rain
I've hit a strange calm recently. With so much stress (and plenty of good reason, as the field season begins in 8 days and everything must be done, and as my relations grow strained and all-consuming) I find myself almost alarmingly without concern. I am like a smooth stone that has been thrown violently at the water and skipped, airborne instead, still all at once and free, leaving a rippled slipstream through the space as I arch back towards the inevitable noise, turbulence and oppressive closeness that lies in raucous wait. It does not perturb me in the least, knowing that maw is waiting, frenzied.

Today it has been raining in earnest, though the sky is vaulted and blue and clear enough to see for miles. I hope for thunderstorms tonight. I wait for them stone-faced but like a child for Christmas. It isn't the noise or the light or any transferred excitation from some deeply wrought animal fear. They are energy to me[...]I am drenched now, heading back to the train early since I cannot work without electricity and in that freezer any longer. People have been looking at me strangely.

I never thought I'd say this but I may need my stress back. I'm not sure what this calm's origins are but my productivity is suffering, and it won't all be alright.

2008.07.28 13.19 USSP
I am here: http://www.uniurb.it/ussp/
I have been here for a month or so.
I have finally found a keyboard with the symbol that is in my password (symbol mapping would have been too much effort).
I am alive.
Stress unabated, but much more liquor.
Wish me rest.
(and no more lectures on cyclostratigraphy)

There you have it. Eight months of my life, highly distilled. Without two full-time jobs, I may find myself better at keeping you all updated. Maybe.